"The first time" or "Attack of the Broads"
OK, before I begin, I want to make sure I set the right mood for this.
Let me see if I have everything:
Candles. Check.
Barry White on the stereo. Check
Noticable obscene bulge protruding from my groin area? Check a doodle doo.
Its just padding. Sheesh!
Anyway, I am here to talk of the first time I finally got to play in goal for the View Askew Girls.
And what team did we face that would pop our cherries like a giggly girl on prom night?
Vulgarians? Nope.
Zombies? No, save them for later.
One of the new expansion teams? Nyet.
Reapers? No.
Who do we face first? Oh, just some team called Puck U.
You know, that team that everyone at the tournament comes to see because it was formed by some guy named Kevin Smith.
You know, no pressure.
I remember talking to Ming Chen the night before. He asked if I was ready.
My answer?
"Fuck no."
I believe in being honest and direct.
I did let slip to him one bit of strategy that may help them out. I mentioned that Katie Morgan might be a bit of a distraction running towards me in goal.
I'm human. Sue me.
Anyway, I get into the rink and waddle on towards the net I will be defending. Behind me are quite a few spectators and all I could think of is, "Aw shit. They are going to see how big my ass is." Little did I realize through the course of the first half, they would nit pick of other things.
Mostly about how I sucked at goaltending.
Anyway, back to the story.
So I stand in goal and watch Puck U enter the rink. Everyone applauding Kevin and his team. It was all I could do not to throw up from nerves. I spot Kevin at the opposite end and wave. He gave a wave back and then it was on like Donkey Kong.
Well, kinda.
Within one minute of play, Mosier broke one of the girls' stick. I wasn't sure if this was a bad sign or not but with no salt to toss over my shoulder and not a four-leaf clover in sight, I just had to put the bad juju in the back of my mind.
Now, I would like to say that I played like a champ and blocked shots standing on my head. I would like to say that. However, the reality was, I was letting most of them shots bounce off of me while trying to figure out where the defense was.
*I am not taking my team to task here. It was the first time any of us played hockey and, my fellow goalies will back me up on this, we (goalies) always wonder where our defense is.*
Those fifteen minutes were the most brutal 15 minutes I have ever gone through. I could not catch a break to save my life. It seemed everytime I looked up, I had three Puck U players storming in my general direction.
Including Katie Morgan.
I will be honest, I can't remember if she scored on me or not. At that point, I didn't really fucking care. I was enjoying watching her run.
Sue me.
That and I think I was running out of gas by the time the sound went off indicating a five minute rest period. Five minutes?? Are you nucking futs!?! I was dyin, barely could talk and they expected me to get my shit together in five minutes???
Right.
So, I go to the bench, downing water and having Jen Schwalbach put ice cubes down my jersey when my savior came to our bench.
All of a sudden, standing next to me, is the man himself: Kevin Smith.
Normally, I get kind of tongue-tied when it comes to meeting someone whom I consider a hero. This time, way too fucking tired. You could have told me Alyson Hannigan was standing next to me and wanted me to play "find the flute" with her and I would have asked for water and a nap first.
Where was I? Oh yeah.
Anyway, Kevin comes up to us and says (not a direct quote as I have had twenty concussions in my life and this was over three years ago. You guys should be happy I remember to zip up my pants!), "I have been down here reading, writing my next script and doing macrame. How about you tend goal for Puck U and I'll give you a break and defend for the VAG."
I wasn't sure if he was taking pity on me or kind of saying our team sucked. Too tired to care. So I agreed. Both him and Jen told me to feel free to let a few go in.
Yes, you heard me. They told me to let a few goals go in intentionally.
So I go back to the net, grab my stuff and head towards Puck U's net. About midway, I met Kevin and said the following:
"You will not hear this from a lesbian everyday but for giving me a break, sir, I will suck your dick."
I quickly walked away as I heard him laugh. I was glad he didn't take me seriously.
So, I get settled in and watched the game. There were a few moments where my team mates were coming close to my goal and I was more than ready to step aside and do as I was instructed. Only Mosier kept taking the puck away. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
Or stick.
As Mosier and Addie (I think it was Addie) fought for the ball against the boards, I stuck in behind them, took my stick between Mosiers legs (kinky bitch that I am) and fished the ball (NOT THAT ONE) from between them and put it into my net.
Score for the V.A.G.
I heard some folks laughing and I shrugged, "What?"
I allowed two more in not too long after that." Jim Jackman jokingly asked if the
clouds were in my eyes. I wanted to say his wife was distracting me but he probably heard that a million times already.
For the record, he is married to Katie Morgan. You know, in case you don't know how to google.
After the game, even though we lost 8-3, I received the biggest honor I have ever received.
Most of my team surrounded me and patted me on the helmet (some really hard…..LAURA!!!) and cheered me.
I was very confused as to why they were treating me like some sort of conquering hero when I gave up four goals in the first half (and many more to follow in games after) but it felt really good.
I would of accepted a group rub down but you take what you can get right?
It was at that moment, I felt like I truly earned my jersey.
I will take that feeling with me to the grave.
Later.
Oh, shit, one last thing. It was revealed to me later during that first tournament for us that many thought we were porn stars, since you know, Katie Morgan was there playing on Kevin's team and we were all girls.
Yep. They figured it out. Only, I only am a stunt cunt.
If you have seen Orgazmo, you get the reference.
Until we meet again,which will be after the 2013 tournament…..
